Parents are God’s biggest blessing , no doubt. They nurture you, guide you, feed you and are always, always there for you. There are zero doubts to the saying that goes like: There’s not a single problem in the world that a mother’s lap can’t solve. (Yes, I just made that one up.) But, seriously. Done and tested countless times. Take my word for it, try it. Agar kalejay mein thand na parri toh kehna. (If you don’t feel warm at heart, blame me.)
All of this, while it’s true, there is another very huge aspect to it. Often ignored. By both parents as well as children: Toxic parenting.
I’m not trying to degrade parents here. Everyone’s human. Everyone makes mistakes. Parents as much as children. And vice versa. The thing that differentiates a good person from a bad one is not the blunders they’ve made but only and only how you bounce back from the blunder and mould yourself along the lines of betterment.
Disclaimer: There are going to be some hard to swallow pills here.
1. Toxic parenting suffocates children
Parents are and always will be your guide to do good and to stay away from all that’s bad influence. However, in certain cases, parents stretch it too far. They keep an eye on every move made by their children in order to keep a check that it’s going according to their rules or not. Sometimes, so much that they do not realise that they’re restricting their child’s mental growth, their path to step into the real world. Every child has their own identity which they WILL ultimately struggle exploring and every parent must understand that they can’t fight all their battles for their children all their lives. One day or another, they will have to fight them on their own.
And, instead of retarding the children’s growth, you could give them an early license to make mistakes, to mess up, to go down the bad road for a while. Then, and mark my words, only then, they will know the difference between good and bad. Truly.
What’s the point of teaching them under peer pressure when ultimately they have to follow their own will when puberty strikes? In this condition, when puberty does strike, they’re gonna go rebellious, they’re gonna want to break the rules you made for them because guess what? Monitoring all their lives got so overdone that it got toxic for your child and they’re done living for you, for your rules.
It is wise to not train your child but EDUCATE your child. Training is done under peer pressure. Educating is when you put both sides of the situation infront of them and have them experience enough for them to choose the right path (perfect). Or an intermediate path which does not coincide with yours entirely (almost perfect). Or none of them (even that’s okay).
2. Toxic parenting takes children’s actions for them
It used to be okay to have your mother explain all the signs and symptoms to your doctor when you caught a fever when you were young or to explain to your teacher why you didn’t do your homework or have them rush to your school with your notebook when you forgot it at home.
Is it okay, now?
Sadly, no.
See, when you let them talk for you over and over and in some cases, make them do it, then they adapt themselves according to this. Because they think they’re your caretaker and are supposed to do it all for you.
When you grow up, evolve, experience, learn, you’ll realise that you have to follow your dreams on your own. No two people are alike, their ambitions, their mentality or simply their outlook towards life always differs. No second or third person can step in your shoes and walk your journey for you. Not even your parents. And that’s okay. One way or another, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with life on your own.
The truth is, it goes both ways. Parents get used to their caretaking so much that they don’t see where your path of life separates from theirs. And children depend on them so much in our childhood, teenage (maybe adulthood) that we either stay dependent on them for all the little things or we turn on them for being so dominating and blame them for any social anxiety issues we later face (when puberty shines upon us). In both cases, the results are tremendously disastrous.
3. Toxic parenting is “perfect” parenting
We grow up. We go through some ugly, scary, nerve wrecking, mind draining experiences. We think we’ve seen it all. We think our growth has stopped and now whatever we think, do and say is right because no amateur experience is comparable to the things we’ve seen in our lives.
In this blindfold of perfectionism, parents tend to unsee their child’s daily ordeals regardless of how little they may seem. This is what I’ve always said and seen: empathy IS on the brink of extinction. Nobody wants to understand the perspective and the happenings going on in another person’s lives.
Parents tend to forget that everyone learns from mess-ups and at their own speed in their own due time. Yelling at your child, degrading them at a mistake just because their way of doing things does not match your level of perfectionism is indirectly traumatising your child, making them doubt every step they take later in life and lowering their self esteem (possibly completely destroying it).
When you do not admit your mistakes infront of your children, the mistakes that are mistakes when it comes to them, you automatically lose your worth in their eyes. They know they can’t ever impress you, so they stop trying. Because, they know they just can’t be like you no matter how hard they try. This leads to loads of frustration being bottled up inside the child’s head and heart that they can’t possibly let out, because that ultimately will be a mess-up as well. Then, nothing but depression and some severe forms of depression follow; that deserve a separate platform to be discussed.
4. Toxic parenting is distance
We all have loads going on in our lives, and we are unable to keep in touch with most people out there. I started a job a few months ago and I can already feel distant from some of my best friends, simply because I’m unable to talk to them like I used to. As a parent, on top of that, the overwhelming responsibilities and workload would definitely be of a great deal.
A 9 to 5 job essentially is the most convenient and flexible of most jobs out there. It gives you ample time to sleep it off, eat well and give time to your family and friends. This might be why it’s the mostly seen job all over Pakistan. A balance between all the departments of your life would be the way to go, ideally. But unfortunately, it is not that simple. Overdoing your rest time and your me time neglects your family, alongwith a lot of other things. Children don’t find solace in talking to you, they don’t see a friend in you. They only see a walking talking figure who governs the house.
While most children would learn to adapt with this unpredictability (which itself is very toxic, mind you) , others might use it as a further step towards distancing themselves from the family. They try interacting with people outside family and find a best friend in them. They don’t laugh with their family, they don’t talk to their family about how their day went, they don’t like doing anything with their family because of various reasons they have made up in their head. In this constant hustle, they forget that nobody out there is going to be close to as sincere, as loyal and as selfless to them as their own parents, their family. And trust me, a parent would not want to see their child facing all the ordeals of their life alone despite having a parent around.
Spending 20-30 mins per day with your child can really change that.
5. Toxic parenting is gender roles
Stereotypical gender roles are nothing but common all around the world, especially Pakistan. It’s like, women are nothing but caretakers of the house and everything out of the house is dealt by the men of the family. Which is okay to some extent. It all messes up where the either gender feels “shame” in doing the other’s work, for some extremely unknown reason. If the mother is sick/busy/away, the father can take over the responsibility of doing some chores or making food for the kids. And of course, vice versa. Because, why is sharing the load between the parents so frowned upon? It is not in our religion or marriage rules or the constitution. Nope. It’s just our messed up culture that has lead us into believing that this is how it should be, and that’s how it’s going to be.
Sadly, even if not seen, this affects our children a lot. Between siblings, the gender wars start earlier than expected normally. I know people who don’t get up from their bed or couch to get themselves a glass of water until they call the lady of the family to do it for them. This narrow-minded, restricting, toxic approach is going to go on for generations and scar the minds of children permanently. They are going to treat women worse and worse. All this domestic violence is nothing but a result of these cultural norms that originated from we don’t know where. But, it’s destroying we don’t know how many minds.
Sons go along with the “all women are our servers/followers” mentality. And daughters go with the “men are trash” mentality. Of course, this is just an example; there are variations. But all in all, they destroy the minds of your children directly and ruin the lives of another person they end up with indirectly. Watch out! Actions bear repercussions. Remember, change starts from within. You should not deprive your children of the necessities you did not obtain as a child. That would be an inhumane thing to start off with.
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For the parents: It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s not okay to identify the mistake and repeat it over and over. Identifying the toxic trait in your parenting and in your personality is step 1. Step 2 onwards is how you decorate your child’s life and turn a diamond out of them within no time. It’s easier said than done but I think, we should start being more tolerant and listening towards our children. This is going to solve 70% of the problems. When they feel heard, they will feel important, they will look up to you and they will want to be themselves around you. How you react to their problems, their attitude will determine a lot of stuff for them in the future.
For the children: Here’s a truth nobody will tell you. Your parents have and always will be the most loyal people to you in this entire world, even more than your siblings. Whatever they do is somehow, in the most messed up (to us) way, the best thing for you in their eyes. They would go beyond all measures to keep you safe and happy, remember that. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because, God has His harsh ways of making us realise what we’ve got once it’s gone. Please, love them, please talk nicely to them. There’s no judgement here, everyone’s struggling here especially with the extreme moodswings and workload on us it gets difficult to deal with people, even parents. Sit with them at least once a day. Hear them out. Talk it out with them. Every little action counts. The best part with parents is that you don’t even have to go to immense heights to impress them, for them even the littlest action will make them feel warm and sweet and important. This is how selfless their love is.
Good day to y’all.
