WHICH IS BETTER, REWARDS OR PUNISHMENTS?
Children often takes us to nervous and we became helpless and intentionally or not sometimes we became rude and punish them.
Rewards and punishments are conditional, but our love and positive regard for our kids should be unconditional.
Sara describes his son’s pre-bed antics, “My child goes wild as bedtime approaches, stubbornly ignoring me and his father’s directions and melting down at the mention of bedtime. I felt frustrated and stumped”
Sara is not sure what to do in response to this behaviour, she questions herself: Should I sternly send him to time out and take away his screen time when he acted this way (punishments)? Or set up a system to entice him with stickers and prizes for good behaviour (rewards)?
Many parents grew up with punishments, and it’s understandable that they rely on them.
The word “punish” means subjecting a penalty for an offence, and usually includes inflicting some kind of hurt.
But punishments tend to escalate conflict and shut down learning. Punishments make us either rebel, feel shamed or angry, repress our feelings, or figure out how not to get caught. In this case, full-fledged 4-year-old resistance would be at its peak.
Since, a reward is a great way of expressing appreciation or acknowledging the efforts of another person in a positive light, rewards are better than punishments!
So are rewards the positive choice?
Not so fast. Rewards are more like punishment’s sneaky twin. Families find them understandable, because rewards can control a child momentarily. But the effect can wear off, or even backfire.
Over decades, psychologists have suggested that rewards can decrease our natural motivation and enjoyment and it has
also been associated with lowering creativity.
The whole concept of punishments and rewards is based on negative assumptions about children, that they need to be controlled and shaped by us, and that they don’t have good intentions. But we can flip this around to see kids as capable, wired for empathy, cooperation, team spirit and hard work.
That perspective changes how we talk to children in powerful ways.
when we lead to our children with empathy and truly listen to them, they’re more likely to listen to us.
Following are suggestions for how to change the conversation and change the behaviour.
Look Underneath
Kids don’t hit their siblings, ignore their parents or have tantrums in the grocery store for no reason. When we address what’s really going on, our help is meaningful and longer lasting. Even trying to see what’s underneath makes kids less defensive, more open to listening to limits and rules, and more creative in solving problems.
Crying, resistance and physical aggression may be the tip of the iceberg. Underneath could be hunger, sleep deprivation, overstimulation, having big feelings, working on a developmental skill or being in a new environment.
If you think this way, it makes you a partner there to guide, rather than an adversary there to control.
Motivate Instead of Reward
Motivation is great, when it has the underlying message: “I trust you and believe you want to cooperate and help. We are a team.” This is a powerful message you give to your child.
Help Instead of Punish
The idea of a punishment conveys the message: “I need to make you suffer for what you did.” Many parents don’t really want to communicate this, but they also don’t want to come off as permissive. The good news is that you can hold limits and guide children, without punishments.
Engage the Natural Hard Worker
Humans are not naturally lazy, and especially not kids. We like to work hard, if we feel like we’re part of a team. Little kids want to be capable members of the family, and they like to help if they know their contribution matters and isn’t just for show.
Have a family meeting to brainstorm all the daily tasks the family needs to get done. Ask for ideas from each family member. Make a chart for the kids with a place to note when tasks are completed.
No matter how difficult a moment might seem, we can respond in a way that says: “I see you. I’m here to understand and help. I’m on your side.
If you want a loving, respectful, self-disciplined child you won’t use punishment. You will use appropriate parenting tools.
